Anyways, for now, I figure it's only right that I write one of the last entries about this journey with the theme of this blog in mind. It's kind of cheesy, but I've got a couple tears in my eyes and a lot of unpacking to do, so just bear with me.
"It's a better place standing high upon this mountain
I've seen your face full of the light that only this height can show"
Anyone who knows me well can tell you about the "light" they've seen in my eyes when I talk about ASP. Although this year has been trying and challenging and sometimes didn't feel like the ASP that I had fallen in love with, looking back, at the 54 families we served, at the over 1000 volunteers we worked with, at my staff, I hope that I will continue to have that light and passion for the work that ASP is doing. We truly can move mountains and do some pretty incredible and seemingly impossible things with God on our side.
"Blistered hand is what you've given
But you've been given all you'll ever need to know"
This year was hard. My hands, and my heart, got a few blisters, but I do believe that there are so many lessons from this year that I have yet to understand and process. I can't wait to figure that out.
"So walk down this mountain with your heart held high"
Leaving. Saying goodbye. Being done. Honestly, none of that feels real right now. In the summer everything goes by so fast, you don't have time to worry about how to say goodbye, you just do. Now that it's been a whole year....I don't even know where to start with some of the folks that I have had to leave. My worst fear is always that I have left knowing that I could have done more. Could I have pushed volunteers harder and finished more homes? Could I have done a better job on project planning/choosing/management? Could I have made better relationships? Maybe, probably, who knows? I love that this line talks about leaving with your heart held high. I worry about humility sometimes, but in the end, I feel like I've helped to do some really amazing work this year, and I'm proud of it.
"Follow in the footsteps of your maker
With this love that's gone before you..."
The love that's gone before me, God's ever-forgiving and ever-loving love, is amazing. I can't wait to live life in the "real world" in service to Him and to His children. Additionally, I'd like to explore further the deeper meaning of "What would Jesus Do?" in situations in my future. Jesus did some heavy, heavy, forgiveness when he was betrayed by his best friend, forsaken by his Father, and then murdered by the people he thought he could count on. Kind of puts things into perspective about the little things in our lives that we choose not to forgive, doesn't it?
"...and these people at your side,"
To me, this part is one of the most powerful lines in the song. I have faced a lot of things this year and I truly don't think I could have gotten through any of it without my amazing staff at my side, or the volunteers who encouraged me. Although I struggle with the understanding of the importance of a physical church, as I find that I am closer to God in different ways, I do love the idea of being a part of a body of believers. Together, we can accomplish so very much. I am so excited to spend this next year of my life growing, again, with the church where I was first taught to F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely On God). Hopefully this year will have less acronyms.
"If you offer up your broken cup
you will taste the meaning of this life."
While this doesn't have much to do with ASP for me, I love the idea that we are offering up all that we can to God, our broken cups, our sin, our lives. But even in doing so, we only get a taste of the meaning of the life. And yet, it seems to be enough. Too much for me to understand right now, sorry!
"Well it's a common ground,
and I see you're all still standing,
But just look around and you'll find the very face of God"
On Tuesday we had to say goodbye to one of our favorite families and their precious kids. We talk with volunteers a lot about how you can find Jesus in "the least of these" and whatnot (Matthew 25:40). I have never seen more of Him than in this blessing of a family. When we arrived in the winter, they were about to fall through almost all of the floors of their home. Nicki and I had just been through a few rough IHVs (including some that didn't need our help at all, which always makes us feel a little strange..). We decided to pray about our next visit and ask that things go well--mostly just to guide our decisions. (When I say "we decided," I really mean "Nicki started praying and I went along with it"--she's way better at understanding the power of prayer than me.) When we pulled in, LC burst from the door with her arms open and said "Welcome!!" After that, things went even easier. It was one of those projects where we just looked at each other with that "we've worked together for 6 months now, I know what you're thinking. Let's do it? Yeah let's do it" silent conversation look, and whipped out the paperwork right there. Anyways, months later, we're saying goodbye, standing on strong floors and new porches, looking right into the face of God and giving her a hug. Missing them already.
"He's walking down into the distance,
he's walking down to where the masses are."
If there's one thing that I've learned this year, it's that becoming a Christian is really easy. Jesus came down to us, the masses, to make eternal life easily accessible. The difficulty comes when you try walking down the mountain with Him and following Him and His teachings. That is the hard part. Being a Christian, truly trying to live like Christ, is hard.
So, now that I've come down from the mountain that was my year at ASP, I'm finding that I don't really remember how to live in this secular world. There aren't people constantly telling me that they're praying for me, I <3 GOD bumper stickers on every car, or multiple "God Bless You"s when I sneeze. Now begins a new, yet familiar, adventure of bringing Christ into my seemingly Christ-lacking world. Not sure how that will look yet, particularly with my future in medicine. (This is something I have always struggled with and will probably share about at a later time. In a new blog? This blog? I don't know.)
For now, I'll leave you with this message:
It helps, now and then to step back and take the long view. The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work. Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
This is what we are about:
We plant seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted, knowing they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for God's grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own. Amen.
-Archbishop Oscar Arnulfo Romero
