The Wall.

Most of y'all know (at least, anyone that I have texted recently to complain about this knows) that I am in the second-to-last phase of my medical school applications-- secondaries. Essentially, secondaries mean essays and money. I have spent so much time writing (22 pages and 13000 words for 18 schools so far) and spent so much money (....let's just not get into the numbers on this one) that I think I've hit a wall. I have one secondary left until I am completely caught up with schools that have sent them my way, and it's got two beastly essays, each a page long. Additionally, we are in our second-to-last week of service in West Virginia, and to say that I am burnt out and checked out is an understatement.

So to take a break from writing essays I thought I would write a blog. There are a few fragmented thoughts that I have had since the last time I made a post and I haven't had the time (or, frankly, the interest) in writing down. Bear with me, they're all over the place.

1. I heard a radio ad for a law firm a few weeks ago. The woman said "If it's too good to be true, it probably is." I realized then that this is probably the mentality that keeps people away from Jesus. Seriously, salvation IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. But IT IS TRUE. How cool is that? No one in our human world is capable of that kind of grace, and so we are humbled into accepting it, despite our unworthiness. The idea of forgiveness (over and over and over again) makes no sense to us, because we all, as humans, fundamentally believe what this ad is saying. No offense to all of my lawyer friends, but wouldn't it be cool if y'all didn't have a job? What if when people hurt each other, they apologized, and were forgiven? If there was no such thing as manipulation? If no one was taken advantage of? And then what if people didn't hurt each other anymore? That kind of world certainly exists, with God, but it's so beyond our own capabilities. I'm frustrated that we don't live in that kind of place. Frustrated enough to make a real difference? Guess we'll find out.


2. My daily devotion the other day (chosen at random), from a book of prayers for women, was the following:

Running On Low

You were wearied by all your ways, but you would not say, "It is hopeless." 

You found renewal of your spirit, and so you did not faint.

-Isaiah 57:10

"I always dreamed of being a productive, respected, woman with many responsibilities. But my imaginings shone the spotlight on a false picture of the calm, collected, posed and poised, well-dressed version of myself. But in reality, Lord, the tasks and commitments involved in being a successful woman can become tedious. I grow weary. When I am running on low, I run to the Most High. Lord, refresh my spirit today. Infuse my body and soul with Your limitless strength and might. When my legs are about to buckle from the weight of real and perceived obligations, remind me to embrace the plan You have for my life. I need to give You what is on my plate every day. Only then will my steps be strong enough to carry me on the right path."

Relevant to my life much? Uh, duh. Does anyone know what a spiritual slap in the face feels like? Because I'm pretty sure it might be this.

I have been told that I can be controlling and this mostly pertains to my own life. I struggle with "taking it easy," something that I learned more about from studying abroad in Australia, and that I continually learn from my dad. The guy just retired from a 20+ year career with more accolades than I have the patience to write about, just because he knew it wasn't right anymore, and never worried about where he would go next. Who does that? Someone with the motto "Everything's gonna be alright," that's who. I have felt so bogged down with work and essays and more work and construction and volunteers and essays and driving and placing phone-calls that I forgot to look for the ways that God is setting out my plans for me. A week ago, I was in a bad place. I was anxious to get home for a few days of vacation, overloaded with ASP work, and jumping back and forth between essays that seemed like they would never end. In the middle of the chaos, I got my first interview invitation for the fall. It was exciting, yes, but more importantly, was a good inspiration for me to keep going. Now, this is where I notice that there are so many times in my life when I look back and say, "well, yeah that was probably God trying to tell me something or trying to throw me a line." I can often figure out God's signature on things after they happen, but how often do I just let go and expect that he has things taken care of? Clearly not as much as I should. I don't want to make the mistake of overanalyzing every obstacle or victory to figure out what it means, but I think I could benefit from a "renewed spirit" by resting in Him. 

Easier said than done, suggestions welcome.

3. I received another interview invitation today, and was delighted to read the following in their email:

"Please select your sandwich option before scheduling a date for your interview."

Maybe they're just trying to interview all the vegetarians on the same day, but a school that prioritizes sandwiches gets a thumbs up from me.

I needed the confidence boost, the laugh, and the knowledge that there is a ham sandwich in my near future.

4. Lastly, this.

"Sometimes our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being." - Albert Schweitzer