A Hard Truth

Here is a hard truth about Christianity that is brought, rather brutally, into focus while working with ASP:

God is the ultimate judge.

People call the center all the time to ask for assistance on their home. One of the most common things people say to me is, "Now honey, I'm a good, Christian man..." When I hear this, and I often do, I wonder if people believe that we are more inclined to help them because they have lived their lives right. And I think most people do. Volunteers struggle with the same issue, because although we are Christians, we are still all human and believe, inherently, in justice. We long to see that those who have worked hard, made good choices, accepted Christ, or whatever our internal measure of "goodness" might be, are the ones who are the first to receive assistance. But really, is it our place to judge that? Don't the drug dealers and the drunks and the people who don't know God need our help that much more? Those who have wandered are the ones who need to witness God's love the most. And here lies the greatest challenge of working for a ministry that abides by an ideal that "we accept people right where they are, just the way they are"-- you really have to get your hands dirty and do it. It's easy to accept the old lady who makes you cookies for fixing her floor or the young couple who thanks you over and over for their new roof. But being a Christian is not always meant to be easy. God's grace is for everyone, and so being a Christian means accepting that homeowner who is having a bad day, or who lives a messy life and doesn't know how or won't clean the floor you just installed. But that's accepting people where they are, and sometimes it sucks.

Last summer my mom and I were group leaders for ASP together and found ourselves in a home situation that was awfully uncomfortable and made us very uneasy. For the sake of sensitivity, I'll not go into details, but the first few days of our work that week felt very much like we were on a "Hoarders" documentary. It took awhile to step back and decide if we were unsettled by simply being so far outside of our comfort zone, or by a gut-intuition that it was an unsafe working environment. We decided to stay with the project and had an amazing week building a great relationship with our family and with our group. A similar situation is occurring with a group leader this week and I have asked him to consider the same question that I was faced with one year ago this week. I certainly empathize with his frustrations but am struggling to meet him on a level that respects him, the family, and ASP's mission. I don't yet know what his decision will be, but either way it's hard to watch someone carry the weight of such a heavy situation.

In the end, all we are called to do is love one another. Sounds simple enough, but it definitely is not.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:7-8

How To Pray... Suggestions Welcome.

I've talked before about how awkward group prayers can be for me, something that I can make light of now, but at one time was an actual fear of mine. (I almost quit ASP summer staff before training my first year because I was so nervous to be a spiritual leader...more on that another time, maybe.) As I've learned to be more comfortable with praying in front of groups, albeit using the "give them something to laugh at so they're not laughing at you" mentality, I've begun to see that this is not a form of genuine prayer for me, however organic the awkwardness.

Recently, Nicki challenged our staff to meditate and pray for a full 20 minutes, by ourselves, doing whatever we needed to do to be in prayer. So, I did yoga. For the first two minutes I managed to not check my watch and kept up with my typical yoga breath prayer: *Breathe in* "Be still..." *Breathe out* "...and know that I am God." With a full eighteen minutes left of time alone with God I became really anxious. Seeing as this is the opposite of the purpose of yoga, I felt really silly and, frankly, worthless, like I had no right to be talking and listening to God because I was doing it so poorly. Minutes went along and I watched my roommate sitting quietly, totally able to be in God's presence and my breath prayer became: *Breathe in* "I don't know what I'm doing..." *Breathe out* "...I'm not doing this right."

But what does it mean to "pray correctly"? The reason that group prayers are so much easier for me was because I found the formula-- a way for a girl with a brain for logic over spirit to present a prayer. (Say What's up to God, talk about the weather, talk about about the food you're blessing, thank God for someone/thing, say Amen.) Even though I'm as natural as can be, when I try to do that in my own head with just me and God, there is such a strong sense of un-genuineness that I end up giving up. I don't think it's the talking part that worries me, I've got plenty of things to be thankful for that I could talk about. Rather, it's the listening part that terrifies the crap out of me. What if I try to pray "correctly" and, magically, do it right, but then God tells me that I'm doing all the wrong things with my life. Because, I think I feel called to be a doctor and do all those nice things doctors can do for other people, but what if He's not actually on the same page? That would be a scary thing to find out. I mean, it's not on the Abraham level of son sacrifice, but, at this point, I'd be giving up and rearranging a lot to back out of these applications. 

Today, again, Nicki asked us to meditate. Blanching visibly, I explained my hesitation. They suggested practice is the best way to get better at it. Well, I was/am an athlete and I've found that I much prefer just being good at things over having to practice them. (Mom, sorry for quitting piano, french horn, acting, and soccer, that must have been frustrating.) 

So taking that advice into consideration, what am I doing? Avoiding practicing prayer by writing this blog. But maybe that's okay, and writing is another version of prayer...I mean, God has internet, right?

A Very ASP Day

At some point today I realized that I was in the midst of an "ASP Day". Here are some things that happened, in no particular order, that made me recognize this lovely fact.

1. I was 20 mins away from the center when the low fuel light came on in the ASP car. Silly me, of course I had forgotten to fill up at the gas station before I left even after one of my staffers very kindly said "Don't forget to fill up at the gas station!" While I was driving back, although a bit worried about being stuck on the side of the highway with cell service, I was comforted by the realization that along my entire drive I was, at all times, no more than a 15 minute walk from someone I knew well and who could help me.

2. I spent some time doing construction, sort of, today. Just putting in a really stubborn air conditioner for a family, but it was nice to spend time with them. There were a few other sweet moments at this house today, but they're hard to explain and a little emotional. Needless to say, it's going to be hard to leave them in August.

3. So much country/top 40 music

4. Tonight it is raining. So now I am worried that the stubborn air conditioner is somehow letting water into the house. Probably won't sleep a lot tonight. Actually, that should be a totally separate reason.

5. Probably won't sleep a lot tonight

6. We made a fire with the new Mullens summer staff (who are staying here temporarily) and cooked Hobo Packs (chicken/steak, potatoes, carrots, spices in aluminum foil packs) and then made s'mores before it started raining.

7. It is possible that we are going to build a new home for one of our families whose home burned down in December. I'm working on a grant to a church who might fund a majority of it right now (yes, on top of all the med school essays) but it's so exciting to potentially be a part of something this wonderful.

8. I don't really have the time to be writing this blog post

9. I have my personal email, ASP staff email, my med school applications, iTunes (Selena Gomez is playing....sigh), google search engine where I have typed the letter 'H' before forgetting what I was going to look for, this blog, and a blank word document open on my laptop (This is sort of an explanation for #s 5 & 8)

10. The number of phone calls that I have to make/return by the end of the day tomorrow is longer than this list

11. At some point in our day we were driving and couldn't remember a small trivia fact so we all pulled out our phones to look it up....womp womp. No service, durr.

12. Tomorrow morning I'm going to have to make the standard "Staffer's Choice": work, sleep, or shower.

13. I called a friend earlier tonight to make a plan for this weekend and interrupted her ASP staff meeting

14. Our hardware store gave us homemade peanut butter fudge

An Ode to Amber

How to write an "Ode" Poem:

1. Google "how to write an ode"
2. Google "examples of odes"
3. Resign to letting google autofill to "examples of odes for kids"
4. Laugh about "Ode To Cheese"
5. Laugh about how silly the word "Ode" sounds when you say it too much
6. Relate Amber to Cheese
7. Write "An Ode to Amber"


I'm no Wordsworth, but here it is. Although, Amber, I feel compelled to say "I'm not gonna write you a love song, cause you tell me it's make or breaking this. Is that why you wanted a love song? Cause you asked for it? Cause you need one?"

Ode to Amber,
Who has brown hair
And is sitting in the desk behind me
Ode to Amber,
Who makes pizza balls;
Easily her best recipe
Ode to Amber,
She fills car rides with songs
And you, into the fun, she'll pull
Ode to Amber,
Who is not a crayon
But is still the most colorful
Ode to Amber,
For whom I won't write a love song
But I will write a poem
Ode to Amber,
Do you think my staff will laugh at this?
Maybe, but you don't know 'em