How To Pray... Suggestions Welcome.

I've talked before about how awkward group prayers can be for me, something that I can make light of now, but at one time was an actual fear of mine. (I almost quit ASP summer staff before training my first year because I was so nervous to be a spiritual leader...more on that another time, maybe.) As I've learned to be more comfortable with praying in front of groups, albeit using the "give them something to laugh at so they're not laughing at you" mentality, I've begun to see that this is not a form of genuine prayer for me, however organic the awkwardness.

Recently, Nicki challenged our staff to meditate and pray for a full 20 minutes, by ourselves, doing whatever we needed to do to be in prayer. So, I did yoga. For the first two minutes I managed to not check my watch and kept up with my typical yoga breath prayer: *Breathe in* "Be still..." *Breathe out* "...and know that I am God." With a full eighteen minutes left of time alone with God I became really anxious. Seeing as this is the opposite of the purpose of yoga, I felt really silly and, frankly, worthless, like I had no right to be talking and listening to God because I was doing it so poorly. Minutes went along and I watched my roommate sitting quietly, totally able to be in God's presence and my breath prayer became: *Breathe in* "I don't know what I'm doing..." *Breathe out* "...I'm not doing this right."

But what does it mean to "pray correctly"? The reason that group prayers are so much easier for me was because I found the formula-- a way for a girl with a brain for logic over spirit to present a prayer. (Say What's up to God, talk about the weather, talk about about the food you're blessing, thank God for someone/thing, say Amen.) Even though I'm as natural as can be, when I try to do that in my own head with just me and God, there is such a strong sense of un-genuineness that I end up giving up. I don't think it's the talking part that worries me, I've got plenty of things to be thankful for that I could talk about. Rather, it's the listening part that terrifies the crap out of me. What if I try to pray "correctly" and, magically, do it right, but then God tells me that I'm doing all the wrong things with my life. Because, I think I feel called to be a doctor and do all those nice things doctors can do for other people, but what if He's not actually on the same page? That would be a scary thing to find out. I mean, it's not on the Abraham level of son sacrifice, but, at this point, I'd be giving up and rearranging a lot to back out of these applications. 

Today, again, Nicki asked us to meditate. Blanching visibly, I explained my hesitation. They suggested practice is the best way to get better at it. Well, I was/am an athlete and I've found that I much prefer just being good at things over having to practice them. (Mom, sorry for quitting piano, french horn, acting, and soccer, that must have been frustrating.) 

So taking that advice into consideration, what am I doing? Avoiding practicing prayer by writing this blog. But maybe that's okay, and writing is another version of prayer...I mean, God has internet, right?