At The Bottom Of The Mountain

I wanted to end this with a small entry of the things that I think I have learned, but I don't think that I'm really emotionally ready to write all that down and share it yet. Someday.

Anyways, for now, I figure it's only right that I write one of the last entries about this journey with the theme of this blog in mind. It's kind of cheesy, but I've got a couple tears in my eyes and a lot of unpacking to do, so just bear with me.

"It's a better place standing high upon this mountain
I've seen your face full of the light that only this height can show"

Anyone who knows me well can tell you about the "light" they've seen in my eyes when I talk about ASP. Although this year has been trying and challenging and sometimes didn't feel like the ASP that I had fallen in love with, looking back, at the 54 families we served, at the over 1000 volunteers we worked with, at my staff, I hope that I will continue to have that light and passion for the work that ASP is doing. We truly can move mountains and do some pretty incredible and seemingly impossible things with God on our side.

"Blistered hand is what you've given
But you've been given all you'll ever need to know"

This year was hard. My hands, and my heart, got a few blisters, but I do believe that there are so many lessons from this year that I have yet to understand and process. I can't wait to figure that out.

"So walk down this mountain with your heart held high"

Leaving. Saying goodbye. Being done. Honestly, none of that feels real right now. In the summer everything goes by so fast, you don't have time to worry about how to say goodbye, you just do. Now that it's been a whole year....I don't even know where to start with some of the folks that I have had to leave. My worst fear is always that I have left knowing that I could have done more. Could I have pushed volunteers harder and finished more homes? Could I have done a better job on project planning/choosing/management? Could I have made better relationships? Maybe, probably, who knows? I love that this line talks about leaving with your heart held high. I worry about humility sometimes, but in the end, I feel like I've helped to do some really amazing work this year, and I'm proud of it.

"Follow in the footsteps of your maker

With this love that's gone before you..."

The love that's gone before me, God's ever-forgiving and ever-loving love, is amazing. I can't wait to live life in the "real world" in service to Him and to His children. Additionally, I'd like to explore further the deeper meaning of "What would Jesus Do?" in situations in my future. Jesus did some heavy, heavy, forgiveness when he was betrayed by his best friend, forsaken by his Father, and then murdered by the people he thought he could count on. Kind of puts things into perspective about the little things in our lives that we choose not to forgive, doesn't it?

"...and these people at your side,"

To me, this part is one of the most powerful lines in the song. I have faced a lot of things this year and I truly don't think I could have gotten through any of it without my amazing staff at my side, or the volunteers who encouraged me. Although I struggle with the understanding of the importance of a physical church, as I find that I am closer to God in different ways, I do love the idea of being a part of a body of believers. Together, we can accomplish so very much. I am so excited to spend this next year of my life growing, again, with the church where I was first taught to F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely On God). Hopefully this year will have less acronyms.

"If you offer up your broken cup
you will taste the meaning of this life."

While this doesn't have much to do with ASP for me, I love the idea that we are offering up all that we can to God, our broken cups, our sin, our lives. But even in doing so, we only get a taste of the meaning of the life. And yet, it seems to be enough. Too much for me to understand right now, sorry!

"Well it's a common ground,
and I see you're all still standing,
But just look around and you'll find the very face of God"

On Tuesday we had to say goodbye to one of our favorite families and their precious kids. We talk with volunteers a lot about how you can find Jesus in "the least of these" and whatnot (Matthew 25:40). I have never seen more of Him than in this blessing of a family. When we arrived in the winter, they were about to fall through almost all of the floors of their home. Nicki and I had just been through a few rough IHVs (including some that didn't need our help at all, which always makes us feel a little strange..). We decided to pray about our next visit and ask that things go well--mostly just to guide our decisions. (When I say "we decided," I really mean "Nicki started praying and I went along with it"--she's way better at understanding the power of prayer than me.) When we pulled in, LC burst from the door with her arms open and said "Welcome!!" After that, things went even easier. It was one of those projects where we just looked at each other with that "we've worked together for 6 months now, I know what you're thinking. Let's do it? Yeah let's do it" silent conversation look, and whipped out the paperwork right there. Anyways, months later, we're saying goodbye, standing on strong floors and new porches, looking right into the face of God and giving her a hug. Missing them already.

"He's walking down into the distance,
he's walking down to where the masses are."

If there's one thing that I've learned this year, it's that becoming a Christian is really easy. Jesus came down to us, the masses, to make eternal life easily accessible. The difficulty comes when you try walking down the mountain with Him and following Him and His teachings. That is the hard part. Being a Christian, truly trying to live like Christ, is hard.


So, now that I've come down from the mountain that was my year at ASP, I'm finding that I don't really remember how to live in this secular world. There aren't people constantly telling me that they're praying for me, I <3 GOD bumper stickers on every car, or multiple "God Bless You"s when I sneeze. Now begins a new, yet familiar, adventure of bringing Christ into my seemingly Christ-lacking world. Not sure how that will look yet, particularly with my future in medicine. (This is something I have always struggled with and will probably share about at a later time. In a new blog? This blog? I don't know.)

For now, I'll leave you with this message:

It helps, now and then to step back and take the long view. The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work. Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us. 

This is what we are about:

We plant seeds that one day will grow.

We water seeds already planted, knowing they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.

We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for God's grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own. Amen.

-Archbishop Oscar Arnulfo Romero

Here's The Thing....

My staff and I are entering our VERY LAST WEEK OF VOLUNTEERS! Which is exciting, but also terrifying because we have no idea where our energy is going to come from. We have a youth group of 50 people coming, who are brand new to ASP, and they deserve our best. So here's to trying to give that to them. The following is meant to make my staff laugh, but I hope everyone else will enjoy it, too.


When volunteers arrive:

Beginning of the year:

Now:

When volunteers tell us we forgot to order things for their project:

Beginning of the year:

Now:

Prayer:

Beginning of the year:

Now:

When we find out that a contractor is coming to volunteer:

Beginning of the year:

Now:

 Our approach to life, in general:

 Beginning of the year:

Now:

To Nicole and Amber: Y'all are the best, and we're going to have an amazing last week together. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. At the end we will celebrate. (Youins want a cake? A carrot cake, perhaps?)

The Wall.

Most of y'all know (at least, anyone that I have texted recently to complain about this knows) that I am in the second-to-last phase of my medical school applications-- secondaries. Essentially, secondaries mean essays and money. I have spent so much time writing (22 pages and 13000 words for 18 schools so far) and spent so much money (....let's just not get into the numbers on this one) that I think I've hit a wall. I have one secondary left until I am completely caught up with schools that have sent them my way, and it's got two beastly essays, each a page long. Additionally, we are in our second-to-last week of service in West Virginia, and to say that I am burnt out and checked out is an understatement.

So to take a break from writing essays I thought I would write a blog. There are a few fragmented thoughts that I have had since the last time I made a post and I haven't had the time (or, frankly, the interest) in writing down. Bear with me, they're all over the place.

1. I heard a radio ad for a law firm a few weeks ago. The woman said "If it's too good to be true, it probably is." I realized then that this is probably the mentality that keeps people away from Jesus. Seriously, salvation IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. But IT IS TRUE. How cool is that? No one in our human world is capable of that kind of grace, and so we are humbled into accepting it, despite our unworthiness. The idea of forgiveness (over and over and over again) makes no sense to us, because we all, as humans, fundamentally believe what this ad is saying. No offense to all of my lawyer friends, but wouldn't it be cool if y'all didn't have a job? What if when people hurt each other, they apologized, and were forgiven? If there was no such thing as manipulation? If no one was taken advantage of? And then what if people didn't hurt each other anymore? That kind of world certainly exists, with God, but it's so beyond our own capabilities. I'm frustrated that we don't live in that kind of place. Frustrated enough to make a real difference? Guess we'll find out.


2. My daily devotion the other day (chosen at random), from a book of prayers for women, was the following:

Running On Low

You were wearied by all your ways, but you would not say, "It is hopeless." 

You found renewal of your spirit, and so you did not faint.

-Isaiah 57:10

"I always dreamed of being a productive, respected, woman with many responsibilities. But my imaginings shone the spotlight on a false picture of the calm, collected, posed and poised, well-dressed version of myself. But in reality, Lord, the tasks and commitments involved in being a successful woman can become tedious. I grow weary. When I am running on low, I run to the Most High. Lord, refresh my spirit today. Infuse my body and soul with Your limitless strength and might. When my legs are about to buckle from the weight of real and perceived obligations, remind me to embrace the plan You have for my life. I need to give You what is on my plate every day. Only then will my steps be strong enough to carry me on the right path."

Relevant to my life much? Uh, duh. Does anyone know what a spiritual slap in the face feels like? Because I'm pretty sure it might be this.

I have been told that I can be controlling and this mostly pertains to my own life. I struggle with "taking it easy," something that I learned more about from studying abroad in Australia, and that I continually learn from my dad. The guy just retired from a 20+ year career with more accolades than I have the patience to write about, just because he knew it wasn't right anymore, and never worried about where he would go next. Who does that? Someone with the motto "Everything's gonna be alright," that's who. I have felt so bogged down with work and essays and more work and construction and volunteers and essays and driving and placing phone-calls that I forgot to look for the ways that God is setting out my plans for me. A week ago, I was in a bad place. I was anxious to get home for a few days of vacation, overloaded with ASP work, and jumping back and forth between essays that seemed like they would never end. In the middle of the chaos, I got my first interview invitation for the fall. It was exciting, yes, but more importantly, was a good inspiration for me to keep going. Now, this is where I notice that there are so many times in my life when I look back and say, "well, yeah that was probably God trying to tell me something or trying to throw me a line." I can often figure out God's signature on things after they happen, but how often do I just let go and expect that he has things taken care of? Clearly not as much as I should. I don't want to make the mistake of overanalyzing every obstacle or victory to figure out what it means, but I think I could benefit from a "renewed spirit" by resting in Him. 

Easier said than done, suggestions welcome.

3. I received another interview invitation today, and was delighted to read the following in their email:

"Please select your sandwich option before scheduling a date for your interview."

Maybe they're just trying to interview all the vegetarians on the same day, but a school that prioritizes sandwiches gets a thumbs up from me.

I needed the confidence boost, the laugh, and the knowledge that there is a ham sandwich in my near future.

4. Lastly, this.

"Sometimes our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being." - Albert Schweitzer

A Hard Truth

Here is a hard truth about Christianity that is brought, rather brutally, into focus while working with ASP:

God is the ultimate judge.

People call the center all the time to ask for assistance on their home. One of the most common things people say to me is, "Now honey, I'm a good, Christian man..." When I hear this, and I often do, I wonder if people believe that we are more inclined to help them because they have lived their lives right. And I think most people do. Volunteers struggle with the same issue, because although we are Christians, we are still all human and believe, inherently, in justice. We long to see that those who have worked hard, made good choices, accepted Christ, or whatever our internal measure of "goodness" might be, are the ones who are the first to receive assistance. But really, is it our place to judge that? Don't the drug dealers and the drunks and the people who don't know God need our help that much more? Those who have wandered are the ones who need to witness God's love the most. And here lies the greatest challenge of working for a ministry that abides by an ideal that "we accept people right where they are, just the way they are"-- you really have to get your hands dirty and do it. It's easy to accept the old lady who makes you cookies for fixing her floor or the young couple who thanks you over and over for their new roof. But being a Christian is not always meant to be easy. God's grace is for everyone, and so being a Christian means accepting that homeowner who is having a bad day, or who lives a messy life and doesn't know how or won't clean the floor you just installed. But that's accepting people where they are, and sometimes it sucks.

Last summer my mom and I were group leaders for ASP together and found ourselves in a home situation that was awfully uncomfortable and made us very uneasy. For the sake of sensitivity, I'll not go into details, but the first few days of our work that week felt very much like we were on a "Hoarders" documentary. It took awhile to step back and decide if we were unsettled by simply being so far outside of our comfort zone, or by a gut-intuition that it was an unsafe working environment. We decided to stay with the project and had an amazing week building a great relationship with our family and with our group. A similar situation is occurring with a group leader this week and I have asked him to consider the same question that I was faced with one year ago this week. I certainly empathize with his frustrations but am struggling to meet him on a level that respects him, the family, and ASP's mission. I don't yet know what his decision will be, but either way it's hard to watch someone carry the weight of such a heavy situation.

In the end, all we are called to do is love one another. Sounds simple enough, but it definitely is not.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:7-8

How To Pray... Suggestions Welcome.

I've talked before about how awkward group prayers can be for me, something that I can make light of now, but at one time was an actual fear of mine. (I almost quit ASP summer staff before training my first year because I was so nervous to be a spiritual leader...more on that another time, maybe.) As I've learned to be more comfortable with praying in front of groups, albeit using the "give them something to laugh at so they're not laughing at you" mentality, I've begun to see that this is not a form of genuine prayer for me, however organic the awkwardness.

Recently, Nicki challenged our staff to meditate and pray for a full 20 minutes, by ourselves, doing whatever we needed to do to be in prayer. So, I did yoga. For the first two minutes I managed to not check my watch and kept up with my typical yoga breath prayer: *Breathe in* "Be still..." *Breathe out* "...and know that I am God." With a full eighteen minutes left of time alone with God I became really anxious. Seeing as this is the opposite of the purpose of yoga, I felt really silly and, frankly, worthless, like I had no right to be talking and listening to God because I was doing it so poorly. Minutes went along and I watched my roommate sitting quietly, totally able to be in God's presence and my breath prayer became: *Breathe in* "I don't know what I'm doing..." *Breathe out* "...I'm not doing this right."

But what does it mean to "pray correctly"? The reason that group prayers are so much easier for me was because I found the formula-- a way for a girl with a brain for logic over spirit to present a prayer. (Say What's up to God, talk about the weather, talk about about the food you're blessing, thank God for someone/thing, say Amen.) Even though I'm as natural as can be, when I try to do that in my own head with just me and God, there is such a strong sense of un-genuineness that I end up giving up. I don't think it's the talking part that worries me, I've got plenty of things to be thankful for that I could talk about. Rather, it's the listening part that terrifies the crap out of me. What if I try to pray "correctly" and, magically, do it right, but then God tells me that I'm doing all the wrong things with my life. Because, I think I feel called to be a doctor and do all those nice things doctors can do for other people, but what if He's not actually on the same page? That would be a scary thing to find out. I mean, it's not on the Abraham level of son sacrifice, but, at this point, I'd be giving up and rearranging a lot to back out of these applications. 

Today, again, Nicki asked us to meditate. Blanching visibly, I explained my hesitation. They suggested practice is the best way to get better at it. Well, I was/am an athlete and I've found that I much prefer just being good at things over having to practice them. (Mom, sorry for quitting piano, french horn, acting, and soccer, that must have been frustrating.) 

So taking that advice into consideration, what am I doing? Avoiding practicing prayer by writing this blog. But maybe that's okay, and writing is another version of prayer...I mean, God has internet, right?

A Very ASP Day

At some point today I realized that I was in the midst of an "ASP Day". Here are some things that happened, in no particular order, that made me recognize this lovely fact.

1. I was 20 mins away from the center when the low fuel light came on in the ASP car. Silly me, of course I had forgotten to fill up at the gas station before I left even after one of my staffers very kindly said "Don't forget to fill up at the gas station!" While I was driving back, although a bit worried about being stuck on the side of the highway with cell service, I was comforted by the realization that along my entire drive I was, at all times, no more than a 15 minute walk from someone I knew well and who could help me.

2. I spent some time doing construction, sort of, today. Just putting in a really stubborn air conditioner for a family, but it was nice to spend time with them. There were a few other sweet moments at this house today, but they're hard to explain and a little emotional. Needless to say, it's going to be hard to leave them in August.

3. So much country/top 40 music

4. Tonight it is raining. So now I am worried that the stubborn air conditioner is somehow letting water into the house. Probably won't sleep a lot tonight. Actually, that should be a totally separate reason.

5. Probably won't sleep a lot tonight

6. We made a fire with the new Mullens summer staff (who are staying here temporarily) and cooked Hobo Packs (chicken/steak, potatoes, carrots, spices in aluminum foil packs) and then made s'mores before it started raining.

7. It is possible that we are going to build a new home for one of our families whose home burned down in December. I'm working on a grant to a church who might fund a majority of it right now (yes, on top of all the med school essays) but it's so exciting to potentially be a part of something this wonderful.

8. I don't really have the time to be writing this blog post

9. I have my personal email, ASP staff email, my med school applications, iTunes (Selena Gomez is playing....sigh), google search engine where I have typed the letter 'H' before forgetting what I was going to look for, this blog, and a blank word document open on my laptop (This is sort of an explanation for #s 5 & 8)

10. The number of phone calls that I have to make/return by the end of the day tomorrow is longer than this list

11. At some point in our day we were driving and couldn't remember a small trivia fact so we all pulled out our phones to look it up....womp womp. No service, durr.

12. Tomorrow morning I'm going to have to make the standard "Staffer's Choice": work, sleep, or shower.

13. I called a friend earlier tonight to make a plan for this weekend and interrupted her ASP staff meeting

14. Our hardware store gave us homemade peanut butter fudge

An Ode to Amber

How to write an "Ode" Poem:

1. Google "how to write an ode"
2. Google "examples of odes"
3. Resign to letting google autofill to "examples of odes for kids"
4. Laugh about "Ode To Cheese"
5. Laugh about how silly the word "Ode" sounds when you say it too much
6. Relate Amber to Cheese
7. Write "An Ode to Amber"


I'm no Wordsworth, but here it is. Although, Amber, I feel compelled to say "I'm not gonna write you a love song, cause you tell me it's make or breaking this. Is that why you wanted a love song? Cause you asked for it? Cause you need one?"

Ode to Amber,
Who has brown hair
And is sitting in the desk behind me
Ode to Amber,
Who makes pizza balls;
Easily her best recipe
Ode to Amber,
She fills car rides with songs
And you, into the fun, she'll pull
Ode to Amber,
Who is not a crayon
But is still the most colorful
Ode to Amber,
For whom I won't write a love song
But I will write a poem
Ode to Amber,
Do you think my staff will laugh at this?
Maybe, but you don't know 'em

Walking Up The Mountain

This past weekend was just the escape that I needed (yes, I'm using the word "escape" literally... things are pretty tense and weird here so any time away from Brenton is a mini-vacation). I got to share Saturday evening with one of my favorite families here and spent most of the time playing with the little girls and the baby: just being with our families is a good escape from the craziness that is our job.

Sunday started out with not one but TWO turtle saves. And Mary did them in her church dress! 

After going to church in Pineville, where we heard a pretty intense sermon, we left for our weekend backpacking trip in Northern West Virginia. For our VIPP program we got stamps at Blackwater Falls and Canaan Valley State Parks and drove to Dolly Sods Wilderness Area. We hiked the relatively easy three miles to our campsite (a spot called "Un-named Vista") and was immediately confronted with some intense God time. I find it really hard not to see God when I look at mountains, particularly ones that are so awesome and, just, there in front of us. We set up camp, watched an amazing sunset, cooked some soup, went to bed, dreamed about attacks by bears and the guys from Duck Dynasty, woke up, and enjoyed some tea in front of this:

Incredible, right? We felt pretty blessed by the view, the privacy, and the chance to be out in God's amazing creation on our day off. Sitting there on the ledge the song "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" popped into my head and I couldn't stop singing it.

Over the mountains and the sea,

Your river runs with love for me,

and I will open up my heart

and let the healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth

so I will daily lift my hands

and I will always sing of 

when your love came down.

It was an interesting God moment that I've never really experienced before--having a song get stuck in my head that had some pretty meaningful words about my faith. Daily lift my hands? Yeah, still gotta work on that one, even though I am getting better at praying! But I have been experiencing how having an open heart can set you free. 

After packing up and hiking back to the car, we drove to Spruce Knob, the point of highest elevation in the state at 4863 ft. It was also a great view, but there was something really special about our backpacking site that was only accessible by hiking that made Spruce Knob feel a little less important.

This short trip got me really excited for next June when my dad and I will be spending some time backpacking in Rocky Mountain National Park. The girls and I are planning to do more trips with longer hikes and more weight in our packs so I'm hoping that I'll feel even more prepared for the big adventure with my dad. 

Speaking of that really great guy who raised me: he's got this cool attitude toward life where he's just positive all the time (aka "The Life Skill of Positivity"). I hope he isn't mad that I'm sharing his secret, but he likes to use "life carrots" (trips, vacations, really anything you're looking forward to) to get through some of the more stressful times. I told my staff about this as we're struggling with some of that stress and tension now and we've been adding carrots to our schedule like crazy. 

Example:

Carrot #1: tomorrow morning is French Toast Casserole for breakfast

Also, FYI Michigan folks, carrot #3 is my return to the mitten state in just 3 days! I'm expecting to make trips to the beach, the zoo, Bell's, and my backyard with my puppy, so let me know if you're trying to be a part of that.

Hey God It's Me, Carly....sooooo, yeah.

So there's this part of working in ministry where you have to pray in front of people a lot. This is something that I am terrible at doing. Here are some of the better examples:

(Oh, and all of these happened in front of large groups of volunteers)

"...please bless us with open hearts, open minds, and....open hearts...uhhh [awkward pause] wellp, DOUBLE OPEN HEARTS, I guess!"

"Hey God...sooo, what's up?"

"...and thank you for the sunshine, it's really great, we like it. Well I guess also the rain is good 'cause you need it for all your trees and, er, stuff.."

"...please bless the breakfast that was prepared for us. Man, I'm really excited for this french toast. [Realize I said this out loud. Cringe. Decide to go with it.] Sugar is great, so...good job God."

"...and also... [way longer than awkward pause]...uhhh okayyeahamen."

Moral of the story, I'm really, really bad at praying out loud. So bad that now it's actually easy for me because it's kind of a joke and at least I end up making people laugh. Usually I just do my awkward prayer thing and then moonwalk out of the room while people start eating or doing whatever volunteers do.

This week I was sure that the end of my prayer to close orientation (the last one in the list above) made more than one person uncomfortable. But, the next morning one of the volunteers came up to me and said that he has always been afraid to pray in public because he knew he would go blank and not know what to say. He told me that hearing that happen to me was great for him because he realized that it's just about whatever God has planned on your heart to say, and when He's done, you're done.

It's cool because then I'm just weird enough during a prayer that people think "hey, I could probably do that in a way that won't make people want to hide because they feel so strange and non-traditional while listening to this prayer" and then maybe some people will decide to pray because now it's way less pressure. Thinking about it now, I kind of wish that I had been around worse pray-ers when I was younger so that it didn't take me so long to be OK with my own casual way of praying. We're reading a book by Parker Palmer called "Let Your Life Speak." He talks a lot about how to find yourself and has this interesting idea that we should "embrace what we dislike or find shameful about ourselves as well as what we are confident and proud of." Touché, Parker. Watch me embrace my social prayer anxiety and awkwardness. (Here my inner cheerleader interjects with an eloquent "GO 'HEAD! GO 'HEAD GURL!" that we recently heard from a young man, who was not the father, on the Maury show.)

Carly Wheaton: setting the bar low for prayer skills since 2013.

High-five for spiritual leadership!

What Are This?

For those of you who believe that the only thing I do at work is play with puppies, I am about to prove you wrong because I also...

-Eat lots of snacks

-Do my best to be like Jesus

-Read in hammocks by the river

-Drive our families' ATVs around the woods